suddenly i feel so empty, i feel like im moving towards a wall which is not there.for the first time in my life i feel that nothing is important to me,not god,not friends not family, its like nothing really matters to me anymore.
never in my life i feel like im walking towards a hole without caring if i were to fall and die,i want to feel up my empty self with something but i dont have anything to fill it up with,what the fuck is wrong with me,people say i behave as though im not my age,not in the matured way but in the childish way,can i blame anyone for my childish behaviour?my parents?my friends?the people around me? i cant,like one said, you can go blaming everywhere but it wont change anything as you yourself are the one to blame,how bout my childhood?still i cant blame that?i want to change myself but when i change myself,people will slowly hate me,i tried to change to something i was not a few years back and almost half of the world hated me, but i know that was good enough to show me who my true friends were,now i being someone trying to please others,its my nature to do that,but its not bringing any benefits for myself,but how can i be so selfish,see how confused i am?i really want to change myself but to lose many things along the way is not the way.i cant please all around me cant i?but what can i do?i sometimes want to spill out my feelings to anyone of you guys but i feel like im a broken record playing through your ears,and yes i have told one that i dont have a particular person to spill all out cause i know that that person will get sick of me.i will see a pattern in my life,its either people will hate or love me.oh well,thanks blog,i know you are the only one i can talk to.im sorry guys,this is stupid of me.

whats the use of having all the money in the world when you cant buy the one you want to love?
whats the use of being the smartest man on earth but you cant understand the one you want to love?
life is never easy, not even the riches and smart have it the easy way,they might even want to be poor or just plain dumb just to be happy.

had the sick week, i was having flu for 4 days in 7 days? yeah, but i dont know why when i work or hang outside, i feel fine, but still a bit sick,when im at home..water pipe!but im feeling a lot better right now as compared to the other few days.oh what a boring post,bye

susu?

you know today is your day.

sooooooooooooooooo

happy birthday babe(its a female btw)

how old are you? 2? yup.. but you look fat as a 20 yr old.

hahaha.. its a blessing to have you in the house. XD

now i regret deleting my previous blog,
damn, i remember that i had a lot of bad , good and ugly memories on that blog, i was in a haywire state when i deleted the previous blog, thats a bad thing about me, dont think before doing.

oh well no use as i cant bring it back. but i still remember some of the posts like when i first blog, i used many colours to post , yah, thinking back it was very very funny and my english on that particular post was... wow.. hahaha
then i remember that when i started blogging it was 2005 which was during my N levels, haha and during that time i didnt had any computer at home and was using my jiran's house computer and also my cousin's computer to update.haha.then i blogged bout how i didnt managed to get to sec 5, and the trouble of retaining.i remember the first day of 2006, i was so pissed off at miss santha at getting caught for short hair(imagine slope at the back and no fringe and STILL i got caught?) haha.how i got to know COE(later known as COS), and how i managed to bond with the class so quickly,oh great times

i had my first so called heartbreak post a few months later and how i got tags from friends giving me advise and etc.haha.to think of it, it was a wake up call for me as i slowly got to know more about how to really take care of a girl's heart(im not a master right now but at least i know im doing a good job CEHHHHHHHHHHHH)hahaha, how i learn to post long long long post thanks to nat(dpt name sikit eh boy XD) and also how to post crap stuff(thanks to star/buah) haha i also improve my english language(thanks to adlan), and also a bit of religious stuff (from wak din).and also finally how to post indirect post (from beng) XD.

as my blog got lots of readers, i remembered i post some stupid stuffs like me fighting with a apek?("you wait ah, i call my maid" wtf?) hahaha.how we always get caught at school for our "long" hair. i also post about how i met shikyn(the tall as me hot girl) and where we went and stuffs.oh oh sweet memories.

i also remembered how i post bout major football finals eg. champions league final 2006 and fa cup final 2006 where barcelona won the CL and liverpool won the FA cup and getting opinions from bloggers bout the performance and etc.another great memories.

i also remembered when i post about when we got our N level results and who made it and who didnt and meeting khairiyah for the first time on my N level results.. ahhhhh.. remember khai? ingat tak? hahaha and 2006 was also when i met haikal(kel) and lan and how we form the smudge and how we bonded together and made music under the void deck(now called ernyvoid), running play, the artist, four walls, how we went to boardwalk by accident.awwww sweet sweet memories.

2007 , wow, too much hatred , anger and karma in my blog, how i broke up with khai, what i did on my bdae, how i enjoyed being 18, how i met nabilah and how long i waited for her but in the end it lasted for 2 months only.
the first half of 2008 wasnt much better for me too, my failure for O levels, the worst bdae i had in my life, how i got close to someone but in the end we drifted apart and false hopes about me and nabilah getting back again.

the second half of 2008 and now im here with HBT, the best thing so far i had in my teenager life,why i say teenager life? im turning fucking 20 soon in 2 months time! adulthood here i come.but recently we(HBT) havent been seeing each other for a long time, but like a friend said, something good is worth waiting for right? cheers to that.

this second half of 2008 also brought me some of my old friends back to me, and i dont know why its like one by one they started to talk to me and did some catching up, like for example, my beloved childhood friend SAB, after so how many millions years not seeing each other, we finally caught up with each other this year, and on her special day too, her birthday, when i saw her after many years, all the childhood memories started to replay back in my mind and how stupid i was going MIA from you when we were in secondary school days.and we even stayed in the same flat! oh bad was that?like you said,slowly we are starting our own lives and we cant meet or see or talk to each other everyday.i hope we wont forget each other,i think you are the only one who have seen me change in many different ways,dont you SAB? XD

*judging(inside joke) hahaha! XD XD XD

what will be there for me in the future?i wont rather not know as i didnt expect my life to be this way so far and im happy for what i have right now,anything more will be a bonus? XD

i think i have bipolar disorder? what do you think?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

we will never be like them or anyone of them

if we wish to be this way

its better that we move on with our lives

i don't see a point of us carrying on with this

just take note,if you know who i am referring to

open house at PP starbucks was alright i guess, i get to meet all the partners and get to know a few of them, and it started in a wrong tone as it rained heavily and we had to clear the puddles and wipe all the wet tables but as it got along, it was great.i don't have the pictures and i don't know who to ask for the pictures, only my third day in store training and i had my first open house.

alright thats all i have to say,hopefully life will go on,sorry if i have been to emotional in my post lately,thanks

XD

slowly but surely one by one is leaving

oh man, im feeling it

not that im the one dissappearing

i mean look at yourself

occupying time with useless junks and whatsoever

what am i trying to say?

i dont even know

im just updating for the sake of updating

see ya

fading slowly the feelings i am it is when will it end show

XD

why cant i be happy for the things i have right now and be sad at the things i dont? sometimes i feel that i neglect the little things i have because the little things that i have are the best things i have in my life right now.

im starting from square one.i want to bulid a new me.with some old heads coming back to my life and new ones helping me.im making a new circle.my circle of life

PS. im not a bunga ok you know who likes to call me that XD

3Ds 2Ns With Cousins & Family To Malaysia

actually i just came back a few hours ago from malaysia, and see! am i so nice to update you on where i have been going the past three days! XD

but the thing bout the holidays was... i didnt get to buy a freaking thing, i mean in terms of clothes.. if you know what i mean, but i bought lots of chewing gum which cost R30($14?) yah.. so puas aku chew2 ,later my cheeks have 6 pack! sweeeeeetttttttttttt!! and i bought a box of ciggs only.. how to.. ada banyak mata around me and i was the only one that smoke.. shessssssh, at least better than nothing.. we didnt managed to go to much place when we were on at cameron highland cause it was usually raining.what to do, musim hujan mah! but we manged to go to some beautiful places, relaxing enough for me, and i ate a lot man.. i think enough to cover for three days, which i ate for a day, get me? nvm.. but overall it was fun, going out with cousins and traveling together, maybe we will be going again next yr? im not sure..

pictures will be uploaded soon ok people?
and i havent decide wherther i want to go to school later..
if you are reading this right now and you see me online.. that means im "besarkan pantat" at home XD

this is earth , by our friend guss

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

before im 30.. i need to...

-collect enough money to live on my own

-get any type of transportation, either 4 wheels or 2 wheels

-perform at any concert which involves hundreds of people watching us(smudge)

-go overseas with all my close friends eg. europe or australia to be exact

-get a job which provides me with lots of cash!!haha

-have hair as long as a girl's.. possible whatttt

-get a girlfriend who can change me, guide me, show me, and teach me the wonders of life and of course marry her later in life ;D

-find all my lost cousins, i dont even know where to start!

-watch a match at my favourite football club's stadium..Anfield.. Liverpool!

-repay back my parents all the love and sacrifice they have done for me

-pray more

impossible? nothing is impossible.. XD

sorry lovely readers who always read my blog, thank you so much, i love you all, feel like giving a huge bacin hug! who wants one? i know i haven't been updating frequently but what to do, i had my O levels maths & science a few weeks  ago and i had put out my greatest effort out so whatever results i will receive,im proud that i prepared myself better than last year.

so what is happening in my life right now? im catching up with ite studies, thank god that i dont have any "simpati" teachers this term, i am also thankful that my maths teacher is interesting and also thankful that my friends are willing to teach me cause they have been doing the same thing over weeks.im writing this whole para as though i have won a huge awards. crap cake.

i have been selected for student seminar...(what's the thing call again aisah?), at first i thought it would be interesting to be learning new skills, but i found out today that the training will be held from jan 2009 to june 2009, lets see, i will be getting my results around mid-jan, and INSYALLAH, i will be posted to any poly, it would be april.. soooo.. HOW??!! tsk... this is what is in my and kals mind right now, we want to jump ship if we manage to get a high score on our Os.so yeah.we have to make a decision soon.time is against us!

oh well, i thought i would be stress free after O level.. but.. no.. this.. had.. too.. appear.. thanks.. eh..

airah, if you are reading this, dont worry, you have many friends like me! and yes. imy too XD

watch this!

smudge is back? ;)

yes star, i miss slacking at ernyvoid & boardwalk too, easy said, i miss slacking everyday with HBT, i miss wasting time under the void deck, talking cock, even things that arent funny we laughed as though it is the funniest thing in the world.since secondary school days were done, i must admit that i am one of them, we are starting to have our own lives. and thats so sad, even me and star, fuck, 7 years dude, stayback pon same kelas! hahaha, this sounds sooooo gay.. hahaha but before he had astuty, it would be always be me him taufik and guss, guss is now an MP, understand understood he cant see us that often. taufik is a working man now, so its rare to see him in daylight, so now i will always meet star, like once a week nowadays? damn.i dont want beng nat din to drift apart from me. the dunman guys, thank god that majid is in the same school as me, kel & dan? it is so rare to see the two of them, amanda? i think she has new friends.oh i want to rewind to when we just finished O levels.i miss that time

ipod commercial parody videos

the first title of many posts

stop me from this fall
help me pick myself up
so much have i missed
and its not stopping
im like a body without a soul
help me pick myself up
an unclear road in my blury eyes
what am i suppose to be
maybe i dont believe in the almighty
but he hasnt given me a sign
a sign he is around
help me pick myself up
please give me a huge star
a star that will bright me up
even in the darkest of hours

nice?hahaha

thank god everything went smoothly,so we had the HBT & friends raya outing yesterday,how many people were there? too much, yes! a lot,overall,it was fun and majid as usual, his craps, and amir! hahahaha!

oh well,im lazy to update everything but like they say,let the pictures do the talking aite?

so had my third raya outing with family yesterday

headed to choa chu kang first, saw my late grandfather's(father's) brother,looking at him sometimes reminded me of my late datuk,sedih you know. hahaha cause i was still young to understand what is death.moving on,headed to queensway,and i saw looking some lady looking like firah,yes firah, i saw someone looking exactly like you!i was shocked at first to see the lady,i had to look at her a few times to confrim that it wasnt firah. hahaha.then headed to bedok next,my mom's uncle,he was half paralyzed and telling bout his.... maybe i shouldnt say this here, tooooo personal..then headed to my kelas agama's house, then to my uncle's house then headed back home.

Os in a few weeks time and im starting to feel that i have no motivation on taking it? seriously,its hari raya, damn the timing, but i cant blame it cant i? if i want to go to poly,musnt i be motivated?oh well....

im still happy that i got gpa of 3, let me tell you the reasons why ok?
NO 1.im like 40% studying in class and 60% making the teachers mad
NO 2.i beat the mr "know everything", he told me he studied like a few months before the exams while i studied a few days..ok not a few days, a few HOURS before the actual paper itself and i got the same gpa as him.hahaha!
NO 3.i proved wrong to lots of people that saying that i would not get good marks.ha!look whos smart now?hahaha
but still,me mom having a high expectation of me,getting 3 is for her,is ok-ok only,it could be a blessing in disguise?thats my mom for you.haha

lastly,the previous post,if you dumb dumb dont understand it,im not in love,i dont like any girls right now,im just talking about a good friend of mine and whats her situation right now,bollocks.see ya!

ahhhhh,see anything strange bout this picture??(below)

maybe you threw me high in the sky and im still hoping for you to catch me, but im so called hanging in the sky? but i know and dont know that you would catch me at the bottom,but you have strings attached to a big metal ball, and i think you want me to to cut it and let you go but...

whats this feeling?
am i into you?
i know that you want my attention.
maybe its just that you want from me?
nothing more?
shessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh!

maybe the next time we meet i will know?
see you in a weeks time,cant wait(hehe)

see!a year plus being single,this is whats happening in this mixed up mind of mine.

bye
get lost

hello readers out there, im here to wish all muslim readers selamat hari raya. see the pictures? why only one? i dont know, but i know i slept almost half of the day, cause i didnt sleep the day before.
more pictures will be uploaded soon i guess.see,susu too wants to celebrate hari raya,but too bad susu,you are scared of the outdoors.. see.. talking crap.. hahaha




just in case you want to know.. i got gpa of 3 for my first term!
weeeeeeeeeee... sweettttttttttttttttt
=)))))))))))))))))))))

tp or nyp? i have a higher chance in nyp..hmmmmmmmm

take note, this is going to be a sad post, so buzz off if you hate sad post.

since i had nothing to do just now, after webcaming with a long lost lover.*kening naik2*, i decided to bloghopping(which means go to random blogs), then i went to my beloved "boncet" beng's blog and click on "Zareeza", as i click it, i look at her profile picture, then i remembered, " isnt this the bestfriend of the late rakinah?" so i browse through her links and saw rakinah's link and decided to read her blog, i know its been a few months but when i read her last post, it makes me sad that zareeza had to lose a bestfriend at a young age.

rakinah is a simple girl,she was a schoolmate of mine at east view sec,she took 'O' levels too,and she got great marks as i was told by another close of of mine,oh how she could succed in the future.i cant imagine losing a close friend whom i have known for years.i have yet to exprience it, and i dont want to,not now.i can understand what zareeza feels right now,empty,as she said in her blog "another half of her is lost".losing a bestfriend is the worse thing someone could exprience.

another friend whom i just knew this year too, was quite close to her too, and i guess he took it hard too,he would be devastated,to be in his shoes right now,the feeling is worse than breaking up as you know that you cant do anything about it,be strong,to you know who you are.



in case you dont know who she is, shes the one beside the spongebob ballon,

Al-fatihah.




I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

exactly 29 days from this day!



see ya!

OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

get it? you will. haha

i see friends fighting, i see no one replying

oh well, people are busy with thier lives,so why care ?
let this be the downfall of us.take care

im afraid, afraid of what the future holds for me, nothing is clear.

i see friends slowly fighting against each other. is this the end??

i hope it doesnt end here. for myself, i really dont know if i could make it on my own. im not getting any younger, and i dont want to follow in the footsteps of some pakcik or apek who cant even feed himself. well, im turning a year older in 5 months. not that far uh?hahaha,no more being a teenager ait?

on a happier note,my beloved football club, liverpool, beat our rivals, man u. hahahahahaha, i just love seeing the face on my brother's face when his team lost,berbatov? haha you were good,for the first 5 mins! hahaha!

oh well, you see, holidays are here and my post are getting crapier day by day!

buka with classmates at beach road =D

dear oh dear,nothing is really making sense nowadays,i hope you understand what im doing,for the best for you and not me.dont fall to the same situation as i did a year ago.take care

like ali said, thats life for you..

holidays are fuckkkking here people! and after just two days, i feel bored already! luckily i found a job to occupy my time.

so another day with star & kel, at first we slacked around ernyvoid,and due to the time moving soooo slow that if we wait till buka, i would have a beard.so star suggested that we head to OCH,so we were like alright anything goes.then we thought to ourself,it just stop raining,surely the floors will be wet and the place will be so muddy and there is nothing there,so another idea poped up! kel suggested that we took a random bus and head to wear the bus would take us! so we took the bus 28 and headed to toa payoh,yes,nothing better to do ah? oh well,no life mah!haha,then we headed back to tamp while i head back home, and the time was like 645? yeah, so swee swee for breaking fast? haha and yeah, i saw cassandra on my way home, didnt expect her to say hi to me. that was my friday for you my people!

would people still recognize me if i look like this? hmmm haha

East Coast Team Building(290808)

i feel that the human brain or mind or whatever is that we use to judge someone is sometimes or most of the time not fair. and i have been victim to this kind if thinking by a few people i know. why dont people judge the person in the present while they judge the person for what they are in the past? lets say for an example, this someone used to be a two faced person and making use of his or her friends, while realising his or her mistakes, he or she changed for the better, but being known for his or her ugly past, meeting up with new friends would be like climbing mount everest, which means that people would still judge the old person rather than the current person.and i tell you, no one is perfect,as i been both a criminal and victim of this kind of thinking, i must that everyone deserve a chance to prove him or herself. everyone deserve a second chance dont they?

on the other hand, i had a busy week last week,yes,get it? and i met a lot of my friends whom i havent seen for months,yes,for it is nice to see them again.but still there are a few whom i have yet to see, like dot & dot & dot..oh well, some other time then.

events i had last week
-Friday,Team Building,East Coast
-Saturday,Baybeats,With Guss & Lan
-Sunday?
-Monday,Start Of Fasting Month,Sending Someone Away
-Tuesday?Is NOW!

ok,i upload the pictures as soon as i get them alright? till here,i have to get ready for my final year exams,'O' Levels and finding a job(not sure whether mad jack still wants me or not).
take care..

I Miss;
HBT
COS
Bestbuddy
Mel
Deedee
YOU

=D

But still 17.. hmmmmm hahahaha!

The colder the night gets,
The further she strays.
And he doesn't like it,
Being this way.
And she tried so hard to steer away from the meeting place,
But her heart had led her there.

She clings to his consciousness,
Wherever he lays.
He struggles to sleep at night and during the day.
He's worried she's waiting in his dreams to drag him back to the meeting place.
His love had left him there.

Where her voice still echoes,
I'm sorry I met you darling,
I'm sorry I met you.
As she turned into the night, all he has was the words,
I'm sorry I met you darling,
I'm sorry I left you.

For weeks they had strolled around,
Playing the fools.
They knew the time would come and time would be cruel
Because it is cruel to everyone
He's crying out from the meeting place
He's stranded himself there

Where her voice still echoes,
I'm sorry I met you darling,
I'm sorry I met you.
As she turned into the night, all he has was the words,
I'm sorry I met you darling,
I'm sorry I left you.

to whom it may concern,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wA-plEynHI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn1CoTJtHcY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsX_xUwnJt8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpZGp8k1Vxs

how about another try guys?it wouldnt hurt to give it another shot? =D

hates the pests that is in your house? wish you could have the balls to kill it without having to touch it? well dont worry, all your problems could be solve with just one easy call!

1900-susu-kills-pests

this cat runs like a horse,jump like a frog and has no mercy on its victims.

here is the list of victims susu has taken down

lizards

beetles

ants

cockroach

hadi's hairy leg

dont regret,call to get a special bonus, susu guards your house too.call now!

so like 1/4 of hbt went for the tamp-pasir ris-changi-east coast cycling trip.overall it was enjoyable,no accident occured(alhamdulilah).the best part of the trip was when it started to rain,so as there was no shelter for like how many miles, we speeded off so fast that when the rain came down on us,it was as though rocks were being thrown to us, and a bit more disadvantage for me because i was the only one not wearing spec makes it harder for me to cycle.when we reached east coast,we had our lunch and soon after that rested for a while, then we cycle back the same route we came.it could be much better if all of the HBT were there,next time maybe?

i have an answer to your lovely question
but im not ready to face another downfall in my life
like you say,wounds will slowly heal
and hopefully im the cure to that big wound